


tesco troubles

by rinentist



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: M/M, based on that one tumblr post, butler is there but he's not like /there/, canon adjacent?, he blends into the background seamlessly and watches making sure artemis doesnt die probably, nothing that goes against canon i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 00:30:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinentist/pseuds/rinentist
Summary: artemis fowl faces his greatest challenge yeti've never been to a tescobased on this tumblr post:http://lesbiangiogio.tumblr.com/post/180628625118/artemis-fowl-ii-gets-a-boyfriend-and-invests-a-lot





	tesco troubles

**Author's Note:**

> hangs up a "bless this mess" sign
> 
> no beta we die like im crying
> 
> honestly it's been a while since i actually read this series and im no memory mcgee so if anything is wrong im sorry

Artemis regretted agreeing to his mother’s request that he try and be a “regular teenager”. Here he was, walking around the city in  _ jeans _ for god’s sake, pretending like he hadn’t spent eight or so years having supernatural adventures, solving the unsolvable, and pushing the world’s science ahead a good couple decades. Angeline Fowl had thought that a good place to start was to introduce Artemis to the actual city of Dublin, as he’d spent most of his life either in the high class areas or in the underground, sometimes literally. This had left most of the “normal” places relatively unexplored. Of course, Artemis had memorized the streets of his home city when he was barely five, just in case he would ever need the knowledge, so he knew exactly where he was going. What Artemis did not understand, in his infinite juvenile genius knowledge, was why his mother thought that a jaunt around Dublin would help him assimilate into mainstream culture in the slightest, nor why such an assimilation was even necessary. He had Holly and Butler, the latter who even now stalked behind him, looking as casual as a 7-foot tall man made out of pure muscle could. Even in informal clothes, the two formed quite a strange sight.

But even so, Artemis found himself quite awkwardly standing in front of a Tesco, not completely sure what to do with himself. On some level, he knew that his mother would be proud if he went in and performed some expected transaction, but, for all his experience in the zeniths of society, Artemis Fowl had never been inside a Tesco.

_ Teens… loiter _ , rationalized Artemis,  _ so this is a perfectly reasonable way to chart the surroundings. _ Butler leaned against the wall, creating a famiscile of a relaxed man that Artemis couldn’t hope to imitate. Artemis glanced inside the Tesco, the bright, industrialized lights shining upon rows of cheap products. The employee restocking the closest aisle had moved around to the street-window side. He looked about Artemis’s age, soft, brown hair fell slightly into his eyes, and, while the navy employee uniform was not the most fashionable piece of clothing, it almost had the semblance of something  _ decent _ . Artemis quickly caught himself before he passed glancing and crashed straight into  _ staring _ at the employee. What was he thinking? He’d have to research the adverse effects of denim on the mind, as that was obviously what was at fault here. Artemis fought the urge to look back in the store, even though that only seemed to make it double. Butler shot him a look, which Artemis pointedly ignored.

After several minutes of “loitering,” Artemis decided that he wouldn’t be bested by a chain store nor by a fabric. He moved towards the doors, which opened automatically, Butler following close behind him. Unfortunately, although Artemis could navigate a time stream and formulate complicated plans in the blink of an eye, he evidently could not calculate the simple act of walking into a Tesco’s, because he walked straight into the employee he’d been almost staring at earlier. Artemis stumbled, as gracefully as one could given the circumstances, and in an instant Butler was next to him, ready to prevent any further embarrassment.

Artemis was about to just apologize (he’d been getting better at that) and move on with his life when his eyes met the employee’s, and Artemis found himself unable to look away. Annoyance was spread over those mesmerizing deep brown eyes (of course, in this case, the mesmerization was not of a magical sort), but it was quickly replaced with amusement as Wyatt, as his name-tag said, processed the situation. In all of Artemis’s usual quick wit, the only thought his brain offered at this specific moment was,  _ Wow, he’s cute,  _ quickly followed up with,  _ Am I sure I was cured of the Atlantis Complex? _

Both of those thoughts were ridiculous, of course. He’d surpassed the Atlantis Complex years ago, nor was this even technically the same body as the one where he’d contacted it. Cloning and all.  _ Four four four four _ , Artemis thought for good measure. Nope, this was all natural teenage hormones.  _ Great _ . 

“Can I help you find anything?” said Wyatt, smirking slightly.

“No, we’re fine, thanks, sorry,” said Artemis, in a characteristic moment of parcelling all intrusive thoughts away and reciting memorized niceties.

“Okay then, tell me if you  _ stumble _ upon anything you have a question about,” said Wyatt.

“I’ve heard the act of shopping is quite intuitive,” said Artemis, now having composed himself enough to raise one eyebrow.

“You never know,” replied Wyatt before disappearing into the multitudes of aisles on the other side of the store.

Butler remained stoic, but Artemis had known him practically since birth, and knew that Butler was holding back his amusement. Pointedly ignoring his bodyguard, Artemis went to perusing the various products, attempting to look like he knew exactly what he was doing.

Several minutes passed. Artemis’s mind quickly transitioned from studying various groceries and magazines and into analyzing his own reaction from earlier. Sure, he’d always thought Holly was pretty, Minerva Paradizo too, and there’d been that one personal driver, Maria was it? However, he couldn’t remember a single time he’d found a man more than passingly good-looking, although between Foaly, Mulch, and Trouble Kelp, well, no offence to them… He’d hardly ever payed attention to his peers in school, mostly because the institutionalized education curriculums were mostly useless to him and he had avoided going whenever possible. Artemis had always told himself that once he’d stopped getting involved in fairy conspiracies he’d develop more of an interest in girls, but it hadn’t really seemed to happen, aside from the occasional aesthetic attraction. For all the time he’d spent trying not to die before he could (legally) vote, which he’d technically failed at, Artemis hadn’t exactly pondered romantic relationships.

Before Artemis could fully analyze his sexuality near the magazines in Tesco, Wyatt interrupted, because, of course, once you met Artemis Fowl you couldn’t help but be at least slightly interested. Butler completed the miraculous feat of blending completely into the background, incredibly useful for a bodyguard, but also incredibly useful for a guardian excited to watch a certain teen genius embarrass himself without intimidating everyone in the surrounding area.

“You just going to stare at things? Maybe this is less intuitive than you thought,” said Wyatt.

“Doesn’t working here imply that you need to actually work?”

“I'm helping a customer in obvious distress here.”

“Four out of five adults read magazines. I’m just browsing for something that catches my interest,” said Artemis, continuing to stare straight at the magazines.

“Whatever you call it, it sure looks a lot like spacing out.”

Artemis scoffed, “I could just buy out this whole place, make it easier on you."

“Ok buddy, I’d rather not restock the whole store,” laughed Wyatt, “You know how regular people come here they usually just grab a couple things, mess up my displays, pay for it --most of the time--, and leave?”

“I’ve heard of that concept.”

“Maybe you should actually try it. How about you just buy...” Wyatt glanced around before moving towards a nail polish display, surveying the different colors for a couple seconds before grabbing an almost obscenely bright blue.

“This! Look, it matches your eyes,” said Wyatt, holding the nail polish up to Artemis’s face.

“It’s certainly… blue.”

“You looked in a mirror lately?”

Artemis took the bottle, surveying it, “Fine, I guess.”

“That sounded yes enough for me. I’ll check you out, c’mon.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I just leave?”

“You can come back as long as you use this.”

“Maybe I’ll take you up on that.”

They performed the expected transaction at the register, which was undermanned, as they are many times.

Wyatt pulled a pen out of his pocket and scribbled something at the end of the receipt before handing it, and the nail polish, to Artemis.

“Thanks for shopping at Tescos, we hope to see you again soon,” he said, completely monotone, before adding, “and make sure if you buy out the store you do it when I’m off,” with a wink.

Artemis smirked, “No promises.”

It wasn’t until he exited the store that Artemis unfolded the receipt to read Wyatt’s message. It read “ _ Maybe next time I can teach you how to buy a coffee at Starbucks _ ” and was followed by a phone number.

Butler placed a hand on Artemis’s shoulder, barely holding back a chuckle, “I think your mother would consider this a success.”

Artemis resolved to  _ never _ tell Holly.

**Author's Note:**

> go look at the tumblr post bc theyre absolutely right  
> http://lesbiangiogio.tumblr.com/post/180628625118/artemis-fowl-ii-gets-a-boyfriend-and-invests-a-lot
> 
> this is my first fic that i've actually finished... let's hope there are more on the way


End file.
